While mindlessly scrolling through Instagram the other day, just like I tell my own kids not to, I came across a saying: if you were rejected, perhaps you were spared from being in the wrong place. It really resonated with me because I think we would all be a lot better off if we approached college admissions with this mindset.
Fall is here, and applications are being submitted. Next comes the waiting period, which is a different kind of hard than putting the applications together. I wanted to share it now, while there’s still time to think about what a “no” can mean.
I write this as a college consultant, but also as a mom of one college student and another soon-to-be. So, it's part professional and part personal. And, if I am being honest, I often feel that college admissions pit in my stomach with all my “kids,” not just with my evil spawn, as I lovingly refer to them. So, I guess I’m writing this as much to remind myself as to hopefully help others.
What We Can Control (and What We Can't)
I can have a bit of a fatalistic streak, so I think that’s why I keep coming back to this saying. I am (mostly) not a gloomy fatalist. I just accept that some things are out of my hands, and I do feel that, with an open mind, things usually end up the way they are meant to be. I also recognize that there is a lot in the world I cannot control, as much as I would like to.
My job is to guide students to present their strongest, most authentic selves to schools where they are likely to thrive. Thriving is rarely about one thing. It comes from a mix of academic interests, cost, campus size and setting, the people a student finds there, and dozens of smaller factors that are personal to each student (some of which they will not recognize until they are living them). This is the part of college admissions we can influence: the list we build and the care that goes into every application.
What happens after a student hits submit is another story. Colleges are building a class, and their decisions reflect what admissions offices call institutional priorities: needs that change every year (e.g., a new program to fill, or a cohort that already has plenty of drum team members). We generally cannot see any of that from the outside, and it is in no way a judgment of the applicant. Of course the outcome matters, but holding onto what we cannot control only adds weight to a stressful year.
Think About It Like Dating
Here is an analogy I use with families. Imagine your child is interested in someone, and that person is not interested back. Of course it stings, but would you keep encouraging your kid to date, or marry, someone who did not want to be with them? You’d probably remind them there is a better match out there.
College works in a similar way. A school that says no isn't saying a student isn't worthy. It is saying this isn't the match, at least not this year. The best relationships, in love and in college, are mutual ones.
While earning my certificate in college counseling, one of my professors said something I try to keep in mind as a guiding principle of my practice: love the school that loves you back. You want a school that is excited to have you, not one where you spend four years wondering whether you made the cut.
Goldilocks Had It Right
Then there is Goldilocks. She did not settle into the biggest bed because it was the most impressive one in the house. She kept trying until she found the bed that fit her best.
That is pretty much how I think about college lists. Fit is not about prestige or name recognition. It is about finding the place where a student can do their best work and feel like themselves. Sometimes a student has to try a few beds before finding theirs, and sometimes a "no" is just the too-big bed making the decision for them.
Shifting the Mindset
Now is the time to start shifting how we think about college outcomes: not when decisions start rolling in and emotions run even higher, but now, while applications are going out. Instead of "Why didn't they want me?" I encourage students to ask "Where am I wanted?" If they start asking it now, it will come more naturally later. It will not make the disappointment go away. But it helps a student focus on the schools that say yes instead of the ones that say no. And it takes some of the sting out of the word "rejection." A school that says no may have spared a student four years in a place that would never feel like home.
Final Thoughts
Unfortunately, some schools will say no this year, and that hurts. Students (and parents) need room to feel disappointed. But a "no" says far less about a student than it feels like in the moment. Thinking of it as “not admitted” rather than “rejected” can change how we respond to admissions decisions. In my experience, students who stay open to their options tend to land where they are meant to be and grow in ways they didn't expect.
I have seen this with my own daughter, who withdrew a couple of applications after being deferred. She said, “If they don’t want me, I don’t want them.” Now, I’m not suggesting her scorched-earth approach works for every student (“Uhhh…really???...Are you sure that’s what you want to do???” was my first and tenth reaction), but it was admirable, if nothing else. I can only hope my son (and my students) approach the process with the same mindset. We do our best with what we can control. Then we should trust that the right place will want them back.